Bad cyclist

This image was stolen from Canada.
Without permission.

I admit it. I ran a red light on my bicycle. I was going fast and thought I could breeze through the yellow, but then the light changed. My innate fear of flying over the handlebars caused me, in a fraction of a second, to decide that since no cars were moving yet, it would be best to just keep going.

So I turned left through the intersection, got into the right lane and prepared for my immediate right hand turn. My right hand signal was fairly lazy and hurried -- I lifted my left arm to almost shoulder height, bent at the elbow at about 90 degrees, and went into my right hand turn. As I was turning, I heard an angry horn. This was a three-second blast of the horn, not just a little tap to say hello. I looked back to see what was going on and a man in an SUV was shaking his fist at me and shouting angrily, though I heard no sound because his windows were up.

It seemed odd to me that he would be so angry just because I ran a red light and then immediately got out of everybody's way. I did not, as far as I know, impede traffic. I scooted through and was on my way before the cross traffic had even lifted feet off breaks. Then again, there are people who get pissed off at cyclists just for being there.

Not a right turn signal.

But then I came up with an alternate hypothesis. My hurried hand signal might have looked like I flipped off the traffic behind me. So then it made a little more sense that he was so angry... sort of. I'm pretty sure that if I saw someone wearing a dorky flourescent yellow jacket float through a red light on a bicycle and then flip the bird behind her, I'd probably be laughing. I might be confused, but I doubt it would raise any veins in my forehead.

I just hope he called me a forkingduckshit and, later, had an epiphany over an exploding air freshener (sroll down to "Lighten the Fuck Up" entry).

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The 'I don't care about my job' approach is always funny

Ransom and I were on our way to check out the progress on the B & C Pants Factory, and decided to stop at the grocery store on the way. We got some beer and headed to the checkout line.

"Howdy," Ransom said to the girl at the checkstand.

"It's weird how everybody says that," was her reply. "Like, 90% of people who come through here say, 'Howdy.' I guess they think they're being cute." She looked up at Ransom. "Do you think you're being cute, sir?"

"Well, he kind of is," was my reply, because a) it's true and b) I like to see how pink his ears get.

She studied him for a second. "Yeah, he is, if I'm permitted to say so." She gave us the total and started joking with her co-worker about the giant button she was required to wear for the store, promoting $.10 off every gallon of gas and suggesting customers ask her for details. "It makes me feel so sexy," she said.

"Do you have a spiel?" I asked. I love it when people have spiels for work, especially if they deliver them in a sarcastic manner.

"No, I just tell people to die if they ask about it. I say, 'Go poison yourself. Hitler style.'"

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My very elegant mother just sat upon nine

Alas, Pluto's planet status has been revoked. It's been demoted, voted off.

The solar system feels so incomplete now. Pluto, as the tiny, cold ninth planet floating around in the outer reaches of our solar system, was always my favorite. I suppose it's my favorite "dwarf planet" now, whatever that means.

Worst of all, the mnemonic I've used for the past 20+ years to remember the order of the planets is totally defunct. My very elegant mother used to just sit upon nine pies. But she can't sit upon nine. Unless it's the number nine, but -- no, the grammar just doesn't work.

I think it's safe to assume that the question on everybody's mind in the scientific community is: what will replace the mnemonic? Some possibilities:

• My very eloquent mother* just shut up now.
• My veranda excites me just so unexpectedly now.
• My very excitable mother* just started using narcotics.
• Maybe Vatican executives murdered junkies swiftly, using ninjas.

* No offense, Mom. I'm neither suggesting nor reporting that you, specifically, shut up or use narcotics.

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Beer theaters

I always forget that beer theaters aren't altogether common world-wide. They should be; I always expect them to start spreading like wildfire, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I doubt it's because the OLCC is more lenient than other state liquor boards; perhaps it's because of the Northwest's lust for microbrews? Who knows?

At any rate, beer theaters are what makes me think Portland is one of few truly sophisticated cities in the world. You pay $3 for second-run movies, purchase your food and beer, and wander into the theater where every other row has been replaced with tables (except in cases where the entire theater is filled with chairs, couches, and tables). This means, aside from enjoying a tasty alcoholic beverage during the movie, you get extra leg room! Hell yeah!

Depending on the movie, the crowd can become quite vociferous toward the end of the film if enough beer is consumed, which usually makes it more fun. Whenever a Portlander wants to see a movie, but is concerned a movie might be bad, he or she will say, "I'll wait for it to hit the beer theaters." The theory behind this -- for me, at least -- is that the movie will be more fun with a) beer and b) a sarcastic, slightly tipsy audience.

One of my favorite things is to go to a matinee on the weekend, sit down with a pint of beer and some pizza, and zone out on a movie for a couple of hours. It's bliss.

In Portland, the McMenamin's chain has the most beer theaters. They also serve pub food, pizza, and microbrews. At places like Kennedy School, patrons can bring in food and drinks from any of the several bars and restaurants throughout the elementary school turned brew pub. Also in Portland, the Laurelhurst Theater serves Pizzicato Pizza and has various beers on tap.

A quick Google search shows that CinemaStar in San Diego is trying to get approved for a liquor license. Oakland's Parkway Theater calls itself "California's first speakeasy theater." Even Columbia, Missouri has The Ragtag Cinemacafé. And that's just the first page of results. So, they're coming, rest of the world. Beer theaters are on their way.

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More news from the insect world

The trap-jaw ant can "jump" almost 40cm horizontally by catapulting itself off the ground with its jaw. Holy crap! I highly recommend reading the brief article and watching the movies of the ant spinning through the air.

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Snakes and planes and Samuel, oh my!

Let's be real: Snakes on a Plane is not a brilliant movie. What is brilliant is the marketing that preceded the movie's debut. What is brilliant is that the movie was a cult classic before it came out.

Because of these things, opening night was terrific. It started off with a tailgate party in the cinema parking lot, which was organized by a friend of a co-worker. There were about 20 of us along with two barbeques and there may or may not have been beer which I may or may not have consumed. I lost my bet with another co-worker who claimed he could get more people to see Snakes on a Plane than I got to see Bulletproof Monk. He had to beat 13, and he did so handily.

I was glad he won because this movie was meant to be seen with a crowd of people who are excited about it. When Samuel L. Jackson finally delivered the already-famous line, "I want these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane!" I didn't even hear the dialog. After he excalimed, "I have had it with these snakes!" the crowd went so crazy that the rest of it was drowned out. It was a beautiful thing: arms were thrown up victoriously; we saw them silouhetted against Samuel L. Jackson's fed-up countenance. Everybody was laughing or cheering or doing a bit of both.

My advice? This is not a "wait for the video" kind of movie. In fact, I'd say you should not rent this movie unless you are having a Snakes on a Plane party that may or may not involve a keg of beer (in which case, invite me!) If you plan to see this movie, go soon, but if the theater isn't crowded, it won't be as fun. If you live in Portland or another city that has beer theaters, wait until the first week it hits the beer theater circuit and take all your friends with you.

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Complaint, part deux

Fortunately, I'm not allergic to bees in the "I can't breathe, my body is killing itself" kind of way. My skin, however, seems to be allergic to bee venom, as my neck is itchy with spreading pinkness. It's extremely comfortable, not to mention cute. Damn that bee!

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Air charter

Every once in awhile, I think it's fun to see what air travel would cost if I were to charter a plane instead of flying commercial. For instance, if I had an extra $29,280 lying around, I could have taken a Lear 31 (and six friends) to Newark two weeks ago instead of slumming it on Jet Blue. That's a steal, compared to $47,001 for a Beechjet with 7 seats.

It's utterly amazing to me that anybody ever drops $50 grand on a flight. I guess you're way more comfortable for those 5-7 hours... But you'd have to have a crapton of money to make that worthwhile, methinks. I totally don't have a crapton of money.

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Complaint

My ride to work in the mornings is usually very peaceful. Until I get downtown, I ride through neighborhoods on quiet streets. I was doing just this, admiring how the trees overhead form a canopy of sorts and filter the light down in a very pleasant manner. An interruption came in the form of a bee stinging my throat. Damnit, that hurt!

Stupid bee.

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A wedding and a wild goose chase

Matthew's and Jessica's lovely wedding ceremony was at the Portland Classical Chinese Garden. This was the first time I'd visited the garden, and I was delighted to find that this one block in the midst of a relatively busy downtown area was as serene and peaceful as it was beautiful. (As long as trains aren't sounding their whistles.) What a great place for a wedding!

During the ceremony, there was some honking from above. A goose flew right over the garden, honking all the while. About five seconds later, another goose followed along the same path, clearly giving chase and repeatedly calling out, "Hey, wait up!" I craned my neck to watch them fly over the maple trees, the rock formations, and out toward the huge, modern buildings just outside the Garden.

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Howitzers in the orchestra!

My favorite recurring Portland event is coming up. It's when the Oregon Symphony plays at Tom McCall Waterfront Park and ends the performance with Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. That's the one with the cannons, and they always have live cannons. They thunder and echo and engulf the Hawthorne Bridge in smoke. And then the fireworks start! It's so great!

I used to go every year, but I've missed the last two because of a broken ankle and then Spain. But this year, I expect disaster and travel will be held at bay. As a bonus, I work downtown again, so I can just wander down to the waterfront after work and set up some blankets.

For those interested and nearby, here are the details, as lifted from the Oregon Symphony's website:

Thursday, August 31
Tom McCall Waterfront Park

1020 Naito Parkway
Bowl area of Tom McCall Waterfront Park in downtown Portland

Carlos Kalmar, conductor
Gregory Vajda, conductor

5 p.m. Portland Youth Philharmonic concert
7 p.m. Oregon Symphony concert

Both concerts are free to the public

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Vacation: a brief, partial, non-chronological summary in list form using incomplete sentences, transitive verbs, and a very long title

• Had drinks in Manhattan at a bar where prettier customers are seated closer to the window. We sat in the bar, thereby avoiding assigned seating by judgemental wait staff.
• Painted my bedroom a color called "Two to Tango." Rowr.
• Acquired new scars while shoving my cat into a box to move him to the new house.
• Went to Morgan's and Alice's very lovely wedding. Hooray!
• Was reminded that french bread makes for interesting shoes if you hollow it out just right.
• Scratched on the 8 ball three times, thereby losing at pool twice to my 10-year-old brother, and once to my dad.
• Decided I need a pool table at my house.
• Put a few faces and personalities to names, which I always like.
• Had a wonderful and much-needed cocktail hour with my mom and Paul overlooking the Willamette River.
• Slept in.
• Walked across the Brooklyn Bridge.
• Saw many people from high school and their significant others. Caught up in varying degrees, but didn't spend enough time with anybody.
• Stayed off the internet for a record-breaking 2.8 days (though usage was extremely minimal for the entire 2.5 weeks, which is possibly even more impressive).
• Pried antlers off a tree in my back yard and cut them down with a Sawzall so they would fit in the trash can.

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Lightning, bugs and storms

In New Jersey, our first night on the East Coast, Ransom and I were awarded a lovely thunder storm and lightning bugs to boot! (Not to be confused with The Bugs of Lightning). We didn't get to see much of the lightning, but we heard lots of thunder and managed to get drenched in the 1.5 seconds it took to get from the car into a Rite Aid. After dinner, we went for a little walk to look at the fireflies. Neither of us had seen them before. We were in a reasonably remote area of New Jersey, the air thick with the promise of rain and thunder rumbling in the distance, delighted to watch the progression of the fireflies as they glowed bright and then flickered out. It's enough to make a person believe in fairies.

On the way home last night, our flight was scheduled to leave at 7:55pm. I was excited because flying West at that hour usually makes for a very long sunset and I had the window seat. Sadly, our flight was delayed due to weather and we sat on the runway for almost two hours. As if to make up for the loss of sunset, there was a brilliant lightning storm about 30 minutes after takeoff. We were slightly above and to the south of the clouds -- there is something magical about watching lightning happen from that angle. Big billowing clouds flashed bright white and lit up from the inside. Farther away, flatter clouds flashed red in crazy spikes of electricity. Amazing.

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